Normal as?

Earlier this evening I rang and asked a friend her advice concerning some directions I intend to take with my work.

She replied it was pointless asking her, as she was far from the norm.

But, on reflection, I suggested she was more normal than most, at least as far as her allowing others to dictate how she felt: a protracted, messy divorce from her partner has caused her many anxieties, and emotional difficulties. I suggested to her that the vast majority of the populace was just like her ... allowing others, the world 'out there', unfavourable or unpleasant circumstances to 'control'1 how we feel.

Being reactive, feeling the need to blame, or to complain about circumstances or partners all point to an inability to 'control our psycho-destiny.' When we complain we're telegraphing to the world that we are allowing others or circumstances to control us, to make us feel helpless, insecure and powerless. We dare not speak our minds, or take action to remedy the situation. So we complain.

Mastering how we feel, independent of circumstances is central to being able to 'control our psycho-destiny' and, according to decades of research is crucial to living long and well. There are many quotes to support the quest to control our psychology ... as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's the implicit, habitual nature of our "giving consent" to live in turmoil and difficulty that most don't notice.

An important question that is often forgotten is: "who or what is controlling or causing me to feel this way?" ... followed by "so, what am I going to do about it?"

See also

• Control of 'psycho-destiny'
• Factors in employee health, wellbeing and resilience

• 1. As I've explained elsewhere, it can be helpful to replace the loaded term 'control' with terms such as 'attract', allow, invite, cause...